Who I Am
by Ryuuen Chou
Summary: One seishi receives a letter from another reflecting on who they are. (shounen-ai, possible spoilers)


Who I Am  
By Ryuuen  
  
Warnings: Sappy sappy sappy. Mild reference to shounen-ai but none actually. Ep. 33 SPOILERS.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi (unfortunately) and I don't own the song "Who I Am", although I can't remember who it's by.  
  
A/N: Random thingie thought up while reading a few song-fics and pondering over some lyrics. This is an angsty little Nuri-fic, and the timeline is when they return to the palace to summon Suzaku, but before the false summoning.  
Oh yeah, and the song Nuriko is quoting in part five is Avril Lavigne, I can't remember the name of the song, but I THINK it may be "Cold Night".  
NOTE: A biiiig cookie to anyone who can figure out who is reading Nuri-chan's letter before I say it in the last part! ^_~  
  
------------  
WHO I AM |  
------------  
  
[If I don't make it to the big leagues  
If I never win a Grammy  
I will be alright]  
  
Slim fingers opened the envelope carefully, but despite that, a long red line was slit into the index finger. He swore softly and then ignored it. He continued opening the letter, eyes scanning the plain white paper, the careful, precise characters that flowed smoothly down the page.  
With a slight smile at the salutation, he began to read.  
  
[If I live to be a hundred  
and never see the Seven Wonders  
I'm gonna be just fine  
'Cuz I know exactly who I am]  
  
Dear friend, confidante, and my own personal smiling demon of a conscience,  
  
What is there for me to say to you? You tell me to tell you everything, I can tell you nothing. Nothing that you don't already know. You tell me to relate to you my dreams, but there is nothing that I can say except that I have them. You ask me about everything, from my happiness to my love interests, and I can say nothing. You are the friend that I haven't asked for. The love I all but missed, you give to me. How can I repay you for that? How can I ever hope to come close to duplicating these feelings?  
I can tell you. I can tell you everything. I can relate to you my dreams. I can tell you everything from my happiness to my love interests. I can finally answer your questions, let you know who I am, rather than what I am.. the lovesick concubine.. but no longer.  
I may not own my body, not truly, since I joined the harem, but my soul is my own, and now.. now I can finally let you know..  
Who I am..  
  
[If I make a big mistake  
Fall flat on my face  
I know I'll be alright]  
  
I guess you'll want to know what brought on this decision, and I guess I should tell you, huh? It's because.. I guess I've just become.. more of myself, lately. Ryuuen, rather than Kourin, you know? No, I don't guess you do. Heh, maybe I'm just schizophrenic or something. I wouldn't be surprised.  
Who am I? I am Ryuuen. I am Kourin. I am Nuriko. I am so many different things and people all at once that it's frightening sometimes. I am a harem lady. I am a warrior of Suzaku. I am in love with the emperor. I am in love with someone else, whom I will not mention. I am a crossdresser. I am a man. I am a woman. I am nothing, and I am everything.  
You know me better than I know myself. I do not feel I have to explain my emotions, my ideas or my mind and ways to you, since you know them so well already.  
You know me so well.. but I wonder if you know.. the inner me..  
  
[If my tender heart is broken  
I will cry those tears unspoken  
And I'll be just fine  
'Cuz I won't change who I am]  
  
My biggest nightmare right now is my own death. I dream this terrible nightmare with startling clarity.  
Atop a snowy mountain, I face off against a horrible man-wolf. I am wounded- he has gouged me with his huge claws. My blood stains the snow a deep crimson shade. I am crying out in my mind for you, for the others, for anyone who can help me. I am crying out in my mind for Kourin, my sister. For Rokou, my brother. But I know that I am dying. I know also, though, that I must move the boulder, move the boulder and kill this man-wolf demon so that the others can get through. And I do. With the last of my strength, I kill the man-wolf and move the boulder.. and then I lie bleeding in the snow, surrounded by red, cold snow. And then I wake up. I wake up sweating and shaking, and crying. Sometimes I cry out with the reality of it all. But no one who hears cares. I am an okama, sleeping in the quarters of one of the harem maidens. I am beneath their concern.  
I confess.. I'm terrified by this dream. It's so real, that I fear it may be real. You know, a vision of the future, or of a possible future. I know you'll think it's silly, but.. I can't help wondering.  
Please, please tell me what's going to happen to me, ne?  
  
[I'm a saint and I'm a sinner  
I'm a loser and I'm a winner  
I'm steady and I'm stable  
I'm young and I am able]  
  
Moving on, I guess..  
You're eternally asking me if I'm happy. I guess I am.. in a way, happy. But then again, I'm also not happy. In my heart of hearts, I don't think I can ever be really happy. Maybe you see this, maybe that's why you ask so much if I'm happy.  
I act happy, and all of that, but that's more for everyone else's benefit. You know how much I hate pity. Besides, that's just how I am. Surely you know that.  
I'm writing this in the garden, underneath that big willow tree, the one that I love. Well, I guess it makes sense that I love willow trees, doesn't it? I can hear music from here, someone's singing. "Won't somebody come find me? Doesn't anybody care? It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life. Won't you take me by the hands, take me to somewhere new. I don't know who you are, but I'm with you.." That's how it goes. I really like that. But now that song is over. That song reflects me, just a little. I wonder things like that sometimes, sitting by myself in the garden..  
Sometimes other people pass through the garden. It's kind of fun, watching people walk by me without ever seeing me. Even Hotohori-sama has passed through here and not seen me.  
I think my mind is wandering.. or is that my pen? I can no longer tell. They are the same thing.  
  
[I am Rosemary's granddaughter  
The spitting image of my father  
And when the day is done  
My mama's still my biggest fan]  
  
I guess... I just needed to let you know.. who I really am, what I'm really like. I've opened up to you here in a way that I haven't opened up to anyone in eight.. almost nine years. You know why, don't you? Didn't I tell you? Oh well. I'll tell you some day. Promise. You and Miaka both, since you both really should know. But not now, I'm not ready. Not yet.  
Anyway... thank you so much for listening to me, for staying with me, and, most importantly, for caring about me.. I know I don't deserve you. Any of you.  
Thank you for listening.. and getting to know.. who I am.  
  
Your best chance of ACTUALLY getting anywhere,  
Nuriko  
(just kidding, jeez!)  
  
[Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy  
But I've got friends who love me  
And they know just where I stand  
It's all a part of me  
That's who I am]  
  
He set down the letter, wiping his eyes of the tears that had begun to form there. He smiled a little to himself.  
"He.. needed that.." He whispered to himself. "And.. I'm glad I know. I'm glad that I know him. I'm maybe the only person who really does."  
He picked the letter back up and put it, folded, into his pocket.  
Smiling to himself, Tamahome walked out, closing the door behind him.  
The room was empty now, save the echo of his smile and somehow, inexplicably, a fading sense of the violet-haired seishi's presence there.  
  
*Owari* 


End file.
